Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I don't know who originated the "Cows Analogy to Political Idealism"... but I've improved on it a bit. Hope it makes you laugh. Irregardless to what "ism" you may belong.

You have two cows.

You mortgage your house to the hilt, borrow money to buy a bull and hire your neighbors to help you take care of the growing heard. Some of your neighbors in turn do the same and they also hire even more neighbors to care for their own growing herds as well.

DEMOCRAT: You have six cows. Your neighbor has four cows and a poor neighbor has only two cows.
You feel guilty for having six cows, so you get Ted Kennedy who has 10,000 cows to raise taxes to make your greedy neighbor with four cows give one cow to the poor neighbor. Now both neighbors have three cows each and everybody is equal. Of course, YOU still have six cows. But you can live with the guilt because Barbara Striesand sings to you and Michael Moor makes movies about the evil and greedy Republicans.

LIBERTARIAN: You have two cows.
You borrow money (without government interference) in order to buy a bull (without any government interference). But because there is no law against drug use (see without government interference) you can’t find any neighbors who aren't stoned out of their minds to help you take care of the heard.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows.
The government takes both cows. The government mismanages the care of the cows. One cow dies.
The surviving cow yields only half the milk, so milk is scarce and expensive. In desperation the government shoots the other cow for food and taxes the evil and greedy Republicans to avoid starvation.

LIBERAL or "Progressive": You inherit your grandfathers cattle ranch with hundreds of cows.
Your family sells the cattle ranch and becomes very rich by investing in cattle markets. You go to a fancy college and learn all about socialism and join in the protest against the evil cattle ranchers. You protest against people who eat cows because cows are people too. You protest against the cattle ranchers because they give drugs to the cows and you believe drugs are only for people. You protest because cow farts are causing methane gas which contributes to global warming. You protest because the cattle ranches are making a profit. You protest because cows are destroying the habitat of the yellow-bellied titsy-fly. You protest because America has the most cows. You protest by throwing cow blood on people who wear leather products. You protest against the use of the term "milkmaid" because it’s gender-specific. You protest because men are touching a cows naughty bits when they milk them. You become a trial lawyer so that you can sue the evil and corrupt farmers because milk and cheese products are making all the poor children fat and it is obviously the farmer’s fault. You use your family’s money to get into politics so that you can FORCE people to give you control of all the cows. You mismanage the cows and they all die (see socialism) and since there are no more republicans to tax and steal cows from, the people starve and become desperate. For the good of the republic you have to shoot a lot of the people to maintain order (see communism). You institute reform by forcing the people back to the farm where they can raise cows. But you’re ok because you still have the money your grandfather made on the family cattle ranch.

ENVIRONMENTALIST: You weep for the cows.
You paint cow spots all over your body and dance naked in the streets of New York to protest "bovine abuse". You join militant protest groups and stage midnight raids to free the oppressed cows from their slavery to mankind. You make up fake studies with false statistics and pay Al Gore to make a movie about them. You fence off vast tracks of land to keep everyone out for the good of the world community. And no one but the cows are allowed access to the land... Well... except for yourself, Al Gore and Robert Redford of course.
You pass laws prohibiting the use, sale and possession of cows or dairy products for the good of the world community. Of course, those of your neighbors who were formerly employed in the care, production, processing, transportation, maintenance, inspection, and sales of cows and dairy products are now jobless, homeless and starving along with their families. But that's okay, because there are TOO MANY PEOPLE on this earth anyway and it's ABOUT TIME we reached a SUSTAINABLE POPULATION for the GOOD OF THE WORLD COMMUNITY! Besides, you need the extra room for your own four cows.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows.
The government seizes both cows, shoots you, and sells your cows to the Americans for the good of the people.
The government makes lots of money, buys lots of tanks and has big parades for the good of the people.
Your family dies of starvation and the UN condemns America for selling you the tanks.

DICTATOR: You don’t need cows.
Because you torture and kill your neighbors to force them to give you the milk from their cows. If your neighbors don’t produce enough milk, you torture and kill their families. If they complain, you torture and kill their families.
If you time it just right, you can escape with your millions before the Americans come. The Americans clean up your mess and give free cows to everyone. You then publicly blame your bad behavior on racist and oppressive American Imperialism. Time magazine makes you person of the year for your courageous stand against the Imperialist Americans. Sean Penn places an ad in the New York Times demanding that you be returned to your rightful place as "benevolent dictator" over your neighbors.